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Zen and the Art of Tofu Hustling
February 7, 1997
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The other day Brian Lotti (see Interview: November '96) was giving me some schooling in Air Hockey. The skinny fuck sure can knock the fuck out of the puck. Depressed and distraught about being humbled at a pathetically easy game, I encouraged Brian that we head to the nearest pub to sip some brown juice. This is where all the fun began...
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We met some friends and played some pool, at least Brian did. First game it was Brian and Megan vs. Pat and I. Brian was going to break, then sink, and sink again oh one more and another...yet another...and two for good luck.  The Zen Master sunk every damn ball, the game was short and Megan, Pat and I never got a chance to chalk our sticks. Needless to say a few Post-Work Drunkies saw the talent the Ex-Pro possessed. The first victim challenged Brian. Two Minutes later Brian shook the guys hand, 2 and 0. Next this guy wanted to play for beer. Now things got interesting. You see, Brian had no idea that he was playing for Beer, but the other Player did. It wasn't until I made a little funny funny to Robby, "Hey Robby, that guy's playing for beer, and Brian's playing for tofu." We joked and made funny scenarios of Brian slapping a block of tofu on the pool table. |
I let Brian in on the secret that he was playing for Beer. He wasn't too pleased. Then we suggested that he play for tofu.  So as a joke he mentioned to the challenger that if Brian won that he would buy him tofu. The guy not only agreed that he would do it, but since tofu is cheaper than beer he would throw in a carrot and some bean sprouts. Now the game was really interesting. I know what was going on in my mind, same thing in everyone elses mind...the thought of this dude leaving the pub to buy tofu, bean sprouts and a carrot. Well the game went on, and the Eight Ball sunk. Under his breath the loser said, "I'm on my way."
Meanwhile, Gueedo wanted a piece of Brian. Brian agreed. Slickmeister busted out his flat red graphite pool stick and screwed it together while Brian broke.  Whenever it was Brian's turn Capt. Spandex would try to pick up Kaiya and Megan whilst waiting for Brian to kick his ass. Yeah He mumbled the typical words from a man who knows he's going down, "You'll never make that shot!" "Tcha...that's impossible. Told you so." "Let me show you how to play," etcetera...etcetera.
Well Gueedo had plenny of time to hook up because Brian spent most of the playing time schooling that guys ass.  Yeah Brian won and the guy should have thanked him that Brian didn't bet for Keifer or Garbonzo Beans, he wouldn't have got off as easy as the previous, the nearest Health Store is about Ten Miles away. Besides, the embarrassment of passing his buddy, who was on his way back from Safeway, would have turned his balding head red. If you're wondering what happened to the other guy, he came back with a little white bag with a block of tofu, bean sprouts, a carrot, the receipt and some change.
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